


Incognito

by Imperator_Incendia



Category: Pre-TFA - Fandom, Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Anxiety, Awkward Conversations, Awkward Kylo Ren, Bad Puns, F/M, Kylo Ren is Matt the Radar Technician, Like really slow, POV Alternating, POV First Person, POV Kylo Ren, Possible explicit content later, Reader-Insert, Slow Burn, So awkward it's cute, Social Anxiety
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-28
Updated: 2018-07-26
Packaged: 2019-03-25 07:11:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 16,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13829115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Imperator_Incendia/pseuds/Imperator_Incendia
Summary: Kylo Ren has no idea why nobody will talk to him. He just wants to make a friend, but that seems impossible. So, he decides to create an alternate persona and become Matt the Radar Technician to try and make some friends. This does nothing to help his awkwardness, but at least he meets the equally awkward reader. Safe for work at the moment, slow burn fam. Tags will be added as I go.





	1. Social Interaction For Dummies

**Author's Note:**

> So I just wanted to write something a little fun, so I started this fic. The chapters are a bit short right now, but will get longer. Let me know what y'all think. A sincere apology to subjecting you to the social awkwardness of these two (jk, you'll love them). Enjoy.  
> Since there is a lot of social awkwardness, this may be triggering if you have social anxiety.

Kylo's POV

Walking through the halls was unnerving. I saw all these people around me, most walking with someone else, speaking, even if it was just work related. So many officers, stormtroopers, and even technicians seemed to engage in friendly discussion with one another. There had been times I tried to speak with officers on the bridge; however, that typically went horribly. Recalling the last time I attempted to engage in such social pleasantries, I simply asked a young officer what our current ETA was to our destination. He flinched to the point that he nearly fell out of his chair, shaking visibly; “Sir, we are projected to arrive slightly ahead of schedule. Sir.” His voice cracked, and I simply turned and walked away. Was it truly that difficult for people to talk to me? The persona I projected no doubt inhibited my ability to converse with others. As much as I hated to admit it, I was horribly lonely. The only person on the _Finalizer_ who would speak to me was Hux, and I in no way wanted to befriend that man. He enjoyed sticking a knife in my side whenever he got the chance; not someone I needed to try and meet my social needs through. Going back to my quarters, I sighed and pulled my helmet off, sitting it down on the table in my living room. There was no way I could tell Snoke of my feelings; he would perceive my need to interact with others as weakness. _Was it weakness?_ I was unsure at this point, but I knew it was getting worse. I just wanted to have what others so effortlessly had; it shouldn’t be hard to talk to someone. I pulled the helmet back on and went back out into the halls, trying to figure out who I would speak with. _Yes, you can do this. If they will not converse with you, you will simply order them to converse with you. It is that simple._ That helped me gain a more resolute mindset regarding the matter.

I found a lone technician working on a panel; wires and tools everywhere, the technician completely involved in his work. “Hello,” I said, voice distorting through the modulator. The technician snapped upwards and struck his head on the top of the panel, whipping around and standing, saluting and quickly saying “sir” as he acknowledged me. “At ease. Busy day?” I asked, and the man was sweating. “Y-y-y-es sir.” He stammered, swallowing thickly. “It seems there is always something to be done. Don’t you agree?” I was genuinely trying to speak with him, but as I lightly skimmed his mind, he completely believed that I was interrogating him due to a failure that he had caused, and that I subsequently was going to kill him. He nodded at my question and looked as if he was about to cry. “Return to your duties.” I said, walking off. I was angry at this point; why was it so difficult to talk to people? Everyone thought I was going to kill them. The anger would not quell; I took out my lightsaber and started destroying the closest panel. The violence always helped me to calm down, the glow of the red plasma, the feel of the metal giving way as the blade hit it, the heat from the melting pieces in front of me. I took a breath and then shut off the blade, walking away from the destruction. Back to my room again, feeling worse than when I had left it.

Staring at the wall, deep in thought, an idea hit me. _Nobody knows what I look like. What if I just go out there, and talk to someone? No, no that just seems like a bad idea. And what would I wear? Sure, let me just walk out there in my robes, sans helmet. Everyone would know it’s me. Stupid._ I groaned at the idea, knowing full well I needed to think this through more. _Who on this ship can move practically unseen? I need somewhere I can blend in, hide amongst others and sate this need for contact. Technicians. Of course, nobody ever cares about them. Maybe I can pretend to be a technician._ I pulled out my datapad and started looking through the logs of employment acquisition. Apparently, there was a need for a radar technician. _What the kriff is a radar technician?_ After some digging, I found that radar technicians were responsible for ensuring the radar fields of the ship were always in working order; performing routine maintenance, replacing and upgrading parts. _That doesn’t seem too hard, how often do those things need to be worked on anyway? Probably not much. More time for me to talk to my coworkers. Perfect._ I created a fictitious First Order new hire profile, which wasn’t too difficult. Adding in my stats from previous examinations to gauge my talents, I edited them, reducing them to make them seem a little more believable. I highly doubted a radar technician would need to have intelligence in the 99 th percentile. Editing more of the profile, I need to come up with a backstory. And a name. _Shit. Okay, we’ll just say he’s from Atollon._ I double checked to make sure none of the other radar technicians were from Atollon, and to my relief none were. Now, for the name. For the most random reason, the name Matt popped in my head. _Okay, Matt it is._ Entering in more data and making up a random last name, I finished this fake profile and added it to fill the position of radar technician. Deciding it may be frowned upon if I left my post and wouldn’t return for weeks, I resolved to pay the supervising officer a visit. A quick Force persuasion wouldn’t be difficult, and it would take care of my disappearances. Noting his schedule, I went to seek him out. He should just be leaving his post at this time; perhaps I could manage to get him alone. Walking towards the supply area for the radar technicians, I saw a lone officer leave. I followed him but kept my distance, hoping I could get a more private setting to persuade him. As he turned another corner, I increased my pace until I was right behind him. Holding my hand up to his head, I quickly stated, “You will have a new radar technician, Matt. He will not be reprimanded no matter how often he is absent; he has personal matters to attend to. You will not remember this conversation.” The officer repeated back to me all my commands, a blank look on his face. I was satisfied with myself, turning heel and going back to my room. I would start my new “job” in a week, and I really needed to get my uniforms and such. Despite nobody ever seeing my face, I wanted to take this one step further. I would be in a full disguise; I had always wondered what it would be like to be blonde. I chuckled to myself as I made a list of things I’d need to buy to complete my disguise.


	2. Incognito Mode: Activated

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matt has now been created, and he is super excited to meet his new coworkers. Boy, is he in for a surprise.

Kylo's POV

I straightened my uniform and walked down the halls to the supply area; today was the day. I had checked my appearance multiple times before I left, making sure the wig was straight, the glasses were sitting perfect. I felt like an entirely different person; perhaps now I could actually speak with others without them either cowering in fear or answering me just to appease me. Walking into the room, I saw the other technicians scattered around, gathering their tools for the day. “Listen up, everyone. We have a new technician, Matt. He’s going to be training for a while. Let’s see who’s up… Ah, Yarif, it is your turn to train a new recruit. He’ll be with you all day.” The supervisor stated, and a technician stepped forward, nodding politely. “Hey, I’m Yarif. Nice to meet you, Matt. Grab a tool bag and let’s get going.” He said, I felt happy with this new development, as he seemed polite enough. I grabbed a tool bag and followed Yarif out for the day. “So, you new on the _Finalizer?_ ” he asked, and I nodded quickly, trying to keep to the story I had prepared about “Matt” should anyone ask. “Cool. I’ve been here a little over a year now. The food sucks, but everything else is fine. I hope you like it here. This is probably one of the best ships in the fleet, you’re lucky you got assigned here.” Yarif said, and I nodded. “Yeah, I’m really excited to be here.” He smiled at me as we continued down the corridor to our first ticket of the day. _Finally, I was able to talk to someone and they didn’t cower!_ Progress is progress.

The day progressed, and I realized quickly I knew nothing about maintenance. Or electronics. It was frustrating; Yarif was trying to help me, but he was teaching me like one would teach a child. That was infuriating to me, and I was trying my best not to have a meltdown. And to make matters worse, I had no idea what to talk to him about. So, I decided to talk about the one thing I did know about. “Hey, so what do you think of Kylo Ren? I heard he’s stationed on this ship.” He froze at my question, and then looked at me. “You mean Lord Commander Kylo Ren? Well, honest opinion, he’s crazier than a bag of Loth-Cats tossed in a vat of Spice. You’re new here, so if I were you, and you ever see him in the halls, just get out of his way. You wouldn’t want to be between him and something he’s deciding to slice up with his lightsaber. That’d be an unpleasant way to go.” Yarif turned back to his work after his statement; I was horrified. I knew people were terrified of me, but did they all really think I was straight up insane? Now I needed to find out. I tried my best to learn what he was teaching me, but the anger just really wouldn’t go away. I was going to go destroy something tonight. Hell, I might even destroy this very panel that Yarif was working on. That would be quite satisfying.

The day ended, and while everyone else was pleased, I was not. I headed back to “Matt’s” new living quarters and stuffed my rage down as best as I could. I thought this was going to be a good idea, but I was starting to second guess myself. _No, this was the first day. And you at least got to talk to someone without them crying or just simply saying whatever you want to hear. Just relax, tomorrow will be better._ I didn’t have a mission planned for at least the next two weeks; given, I could be called away at any time, but no matter. This would be adequate time to make friends with some of these technicians I now called coworkers. Stepping into the humble quarters, I missed my own immediately. _How do these technicians live like this? I feel like I’m in a closet._ Once everyone had settled in for the night, I was going to go back to my actual room. The last thing I needed was some pesky neighbor wondering why a supposed radar technician was entering Kylo Ren’s room. _I don’t need to give them more rumors to cling to._ This double life might get bothersome after a while, but for now, I was determined. I would make a friend.

Taking off my wig, glasses and uniform made me feel an odd mix of emotions. First, I felt relieved. Then, I felt lonely again. And then angry. Donning my robes and situating my helmet back on my head, I stalked out into the halls, wanting to destroy something. _Bag of Loth-Cats. Humph. A bag of Loth-Cats has nothing on me._ Igniting the blade and striking the first thing I saw, enjoying the hiss of the melting metal. To everyone else, these outbursts were proof of me being out of control. To me, these outbursts were how I was staying in control. I doubted me trying to explain that to anyone would make much of a difference anyhow. Each swing took more of the edge off, making me forget all about how bad my day actually was. Feeling satisfied with my destruction, I went back to my room to shower and get some sleep. _Tomorrow, Matt needs to be able to pay attention to learn his new job._

“Good morning,” I said, trying to offer a smile to my coworkers. A few looked over to me, but most continued on with getting their tools ready for the day or looking at the task list of tickets. “Matt.” I heard a voice call, and then I turned to find the source. It was my supervisor; I learned his name was Ullridge. “Yes, sir?” I asked, and it felt weird to call someone of such a low position ‘sir’, but I pushed the thought from my mind. “Today you’re going to be with…” he scanned over the datapad he was holding, “Griff.” “Not Yarif today?” I asked, and Ullridge shook his head. “No, Yarif has some more technical assignments today. You’re still learning the basics.” I nodded in acknowledgement as he strode away, and now I was stuck looking for Griff. Griff, it turned out, was an older man who did not seem to be the conversing type. Multiple times I tried to strike up conversation, only to have him stare at me like I had a third eye on my forehead. Another day, another failed attempt at conversing. Seems like my week is going to suck.

By the fourth day of the workweek, nobody wanted to have me assigned to them as a trainee. I could hear their thoughts; _Oh stars, please Ullridge, don’t you dare put that new guy with me. Ullridge, if you put him with me, I’m going to spit in your caf. Ullridge, where the kriff did you find this guy?_ Okay, so being a technician clearly wasn’t my thing, but I’d be damned if I was going to give up trying to talk to someone. There had to be at least one person out of these technicians that would humor me. And then I met her.


	3. Bad Puns For Days

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The reader has arrived and meets Matt! Y/N: Your Name. Couldn't resist making reader dorky; I just imagine being stuck as a technician for any amount of time would kinda make you awkward.

Reader's POV

“Oh, that new guy better not be put with me today. He is sooo weird. He doesn’t know how to do anything, and all he wants to do is talk about Kylo Ren. It’s like he’s obsessed with the Lord Commander or something. Ullridge better not assign him to me or I swear I will fake a stomach illness and go home.” Tara grumbled, and I stared back at her. “So what, he talks about Kylo Ren. Maybe he’s like his hero or something. It’s good to have heroes, right?” I said, shrugging. “Oh Y/N, you are always so naive. I think he either is gay and wants to be with the Commander, or he wants to _be_ the Commander. You know, one of those creepy psychos that like… wears someone’s skin.” Tara whispered, and then looked at the door, “Oh god, there he is.” I looked over at the door, and there was this blonde guy, huge glasses and the most adorable dorkiness I had ever seen. “That’s Matt? He doesn’t seem so bad.” I said, shrugging again. “Oh really? Well how ‘bout you train him then?” Tara snarked, and I was not opposed to it. Ullridge looked at his datapad and then over to us, when talking about Matt’s assignment, and Tara immediately pointed at me. “Y/N, you’re training Matt today.” “Sure thing, boss.” I stated, feeling chipper. I hadn’t ever gotten the privilege of training someone, despite being on the squad for nearly two years. Nobody really seemed to like me that much; they only came to me when they wanted to bitch about something or someone, and since I didn’t talk much, they knew I wouldn’t say anything. “Hiya Matt. I’m Y/N, looks like you’re with me today.” I said confidently, flashing a grin. This was one of my rare days; I felt confident, cheery and somewhat cheeky, and I was getting assigned to train the adorable new technician. This day seriously could not get better.

“I… don’t think I saw you, the past few days.” he said, looking around the room at the other techs, then back to me. _Those glasses are perfect on him._ “Oh, no I had a three-day training class to attend. New technology and such, gotta stay up to date with it!” I grabbed my tools and then looked at him, and he was just standing there, blinking back at me, pushing the glasses up his nose again. “You’re gonna need tools, Matt.” “Oh, right.” He stated in a huff, going and grabbing things. Good lord he was awkward, but I found it absolutely endearing. I was going to have to be careful when I snuck glances at him; after all, he might get offended. Okay, he likely would get offended. He just got here. _Play it cool, just… don’t screw this up. He’s probably really nice. Don’t you dare kriff this up._ After he grabbed a tool bag, he walked back over to me and waited. I checked my datapad to find the sector we were heading to, and of course it was the farthest one in the ticket list. I mentally groaned but tried my best to be in a good mood. They often assigned me the most undesirable jobs, but there was not much I could do about it. “Let’s go,” I said, waving my hand to him to follow. This was going to be new experience for me; I had never had anyone with me all day since I personally had been a trainee. “So, seems like today is going to be a pretty easy one. Just upgrading a few things. Have you done upgrades yet?” I asked, tilting my head to look at him. “Once, but I wasn’t very good at it. I wired it wrong.” He responded, his brow furrowing. “Oh that’s fine. We’ll work together and you’ll get it right.” I said, offering him a smile. He gave me a skeptical look in return. _This guy must really not have confidence._

“Okay, so go ahead and take that chip out, but be careful when you do.” I said, crouched next to him, and he nodded. He reached in the panel and I immediately reacted. “Ah, no!” I yelled, smacking his hand away. The look on his face was completely shocked, like that kind of contact was not normal for him. “Sorry, you just were about to touch a conduit. I really don’t want to be picking you up off the floor on the other side of the corridor all crispy.” “Crispy?” he inquired, brow quirked up. “Yeah, crispy, you know… a little fried from being electrocuted…” I started, and then shook my head and showed him the correct way to remove the chip, “Like this.” “Oh. Okay. Got it.” He nodded as he observed, and then I let him try with the next one. He did much better, but he still looked frustrated with himself. After getting to a stopping point, I decided to try and make him lighten up a little. “Knock, knock.” He shot me a look and then cocked his head to the side, eyeing me skeptically. “You’re supposed to say who’s there.” “Oh, right. Um, who’s there.” “Alec.” “Alec who?” “Alec-tricity. Shocking, isn’t it?” I said, and he just stared back at me blankly, and I internally groaned. Apparently, I wasn’t as witty as I thought I was. Until I saw a tiny smirk pull at the corner of his mouth. “Knock, knock.” “Who’s there?” This time, he actually looked at me with slight mirth in his eyes, and I felt a little better. “Broken pencil.” “Broken pencil who?” “Never mind, it’s pointless anyway.” He let out a small chuckle at this, and I felt proud of myself. “Sorry, I’m in a weird mood today. I get like this sometimes, so I apologize for you being stuck listening to my bad jokes.” I said, tucking a piece of hair back behind my ear. “No, I don’t mind. It’s… refreshing. That you want to joke with me.” He said, looking bashful. “So, what do you do for fun, Matt?” I asked, repositioning myself in front of the panel to pull out another part. “Um, well…” he started, and then stopped, looking deep in thought. “Oh, I’m so stupid, you just got here, you probably aren’t even settled yet! I apologize. Uh, what do you think of the _Finalizer?_ ” I said, and he looked over at me. “I like it. It’s a great ship, impressive arsenal. Small quarters though.” He said, I shrugged. “Beats the bunks at the academy though, right?” “Oh, of course.” He responded quickly, shifting some. “So, before you ask me, because I know you will. What do _you_ think of Kylo Ren?” He nearly dropped a screwdriver on the ground at this question, a shocked look on his face before lighting up. “Oh, I think he’s fantastic! He’s intelligent, brave, and super tough. Plus, he’s an excellent leader. Not to mention his Force abilities.” He said, a near smug look of approval on his face. “You know, I think that’s great that you have someone you idolize that strongly. I mean, everyone needs someone to look up to. Well, I mean, I don’t think you’d have to look up to him, per se… Like, you’d be visor level… Oh never mind, bad humor again.” I said, waving my hand and trying to play off my awkwardness. “So, now I’ll ask you. What do you think of Kylo Ren?” he asked, leaning forward and looking at me intently. “Honest opinion? He’s terrifying. But it’s so perfect, you know? I mean, if you were practically a god and really didn’t want to be bothered by a hundred fangirls or boys, why wouldn’t you have a terrifying persona? You’re less likely to get stalkers if people think you’ll kill them. He’s a genius.” I said, being entirely honest. He looked beyond fascinated by this admission; eyes wide and a tiny grin spreading across his face. “Can I buy you caf sometimes?” he said, still looking completely dumb-struck. “Sure, I love caf! Now, let’s get back to it, shall we?” I responded, motioning to the panel.


	4. I Came, I Saw, I Made It Awkward AF

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Matt" is trying to fit in a little more, but he runs into some snags along the way. Well, more like an asteroid field of awkward. Oh, if only the First Order offered social interaction classes...

Kylo's POV

 _I made a friend today! And she actually has a high opinion of Kylo! I mean, of me. Well, she doesn’t know it’s me, but still. She thinks I’m a genius! I hope I get to work with her tomorrow. I wonder when she’ll want to get caf with me. She seemed really excited about that._ My mind hummed along in contentment as I thought about the day, and then I froze. _Did I just ask her on a date? I just wanted to show appreciation for her viewpoints. Kriff. Okay, well, we’ll just go get caf as friends. Friends do that, right?_ I was terrified. What if she has the wrong notions about this meeting for caf? I didn’t know what she would expect. Perhaps she would forget all about my offer. The only thing I could do was show up to work tomorrow and hope she didn’t think I was being too forward.

The next morning when I went into work and I saw her waiting for me. “Good morning, Matt!” she said cheerily, and I responded to her in turn. Gathering my tools for the day, I was informed by Ullridge that I was going to be with Y/N for the rest of my training. Listening to the thoughts of others, I could hear the relief of the rest of the technicians, as they wouldn’t have to deal with the “weird new guy” anymore. It was a little disheartening that everyone thought of me in such a way, but at least she didn’t. Following her out to our location for the day, she was quieter than she was yesterday. She seemed anxious, and when I listened to her mind, it was going in a thousand directions at once. It was so loud; I couldn’t understand how she could function with her mind being so chaotic. The one thought that I could pluck out easily was a simple one. _Don’t be weird around him._ I decided this may be a good time to try and engage her in a conversation; perhaps it would help her focus more. “Are you having a good morning?” She seemed to almost startle at my question, looking up at me suddenly. “Oh, um, yeah, I guess. You?” she said, gaze going back to the floor. “I’m well today. You guess you’re having a good morning?” I inquired, slightly curious. “I didn’t sleep the greatest. Sometimes I get insomnia. But I’ll be fine. Might have to take you up on that caf offer over lunch though.” She smiled at me, and I noticed her eyes were tired. “Sure,” I responded, and then felt a little better, as she didn’t seem to think it was anything serious. _Yeah, caf with a friend._

I was becoming more proficient with repairs; she taught me what each tool was, what different parts of the panels were, and how each piece impacted the function of radar. I was grateful that she was training me, and part of me actually wanted to just be a radar technician. I wished that I could become Matt; no more Kylo, no more Force powers, no more struggle to try and figure out who I was. It was nice to have minimal responsibility and low pressure on myself. _Having this second life might not be so bad after all._

Lunchtime rolled around, and she suggested we go to the main cafeteria. I hadn’t considered this yet; when it came to lunch the past few days, nobody seemed to care that I ate by myself. However, she wanted to spend more time with me. And no doubt get caf, which I couldn’t blame her. The dark circles were becoming more noticeable as the day was wearing on. This was a new situation for me; I had not taken lunch with another person in… well, how long had it actually been? I was nervous but tried not to let on. _Get a hold of yourself, it’s just lunch. Sure, in a crowded room. With people staring. But it’ll be fine. Right?_ Entering the cafeteria, she chose her lunch and I bought her a caf, making good on my offer from the previous day. When finding a seat, she saw several other members of our technician squad, and decided to sit at the table next to them. I heard their thoughts, and most were something along the lines of: _God, I don’t want to eat with them; especially not him._ “Hey,” Tara said, leaning forward, “Why do you think Commander Ren wears a mask? I bet he’s disfigured.” “I heard he was really old,” Griff said, putting another forkful in his mouth. “I bet he is horribly scarred or deformed.” Yarif said, and I was getting angry. “I heard he has the best face ever.” I blurted out the words before I could stop myself, and that statement earned me a slew of very odd looks, but I was not about to sit there and let them say whatever they wanted about me. Y/N then spoke up, drawing the attention away from me. “No matter what he looks like, it’s so smart. He could be talking to you and making faces at you the entire time and nobody would ever know. I wish I could wear a helmet like that. It’d be so fun to mock people to their face without anyone being the wiser.” She said, picking at the mush that was considered lunch today. The rest of the group stared at her similarly to when they stared at me; no doubt, they also thought she was weird. She did not seem to mind this in any capacity, just continuing on with her lunch as the others finished and moved away. I looked over at her as she sipped the caf, eyes closed as if she was savoring every drop. “You know you didn’t have to do that. They probably think you’re weird now, too.” I said, and she looked up at me. “They already think that. I’ve spent way too much time with my head in panels to be considered normal at this point. They only talk to me when they want to bitch about something but don’t want to seem obnoxious to the others.” She shrugged slightly, going back to her food and then adding, “Thanks for the caf, by the way. I really needed it today.” “No problem.” I stared down at my plate and my stomach grew uneasy; how did everyone eat this stuff? I had my own food prepared for me on most occasions, and having to eat this gruel in front of a bunch of strangers was only adding to my anxiety. Instead, I just sort of picked at it, too off-put by its strange composition to try and even put a bite in my mouth. “Yeah, that’s one thing about here, the food kinda sucks. Okay, it really sucks. But you get used to it in a way. Otherwise, you’ll be awfully hungry.” She said, looking at the way I was picking at my food. Tentatively taking a bite, I legitimately wanted to gag but managed to stifle it. “Its… different.” I said, really not wanting to eat any more. “Seriously, how do you eat this stuff?” I asked, watching her put another forkful in her mouth. “You just try not to think about it. Or chew it.” She responded, laughing a little. That was even more unsettling. _The life of a Radar Technician kind of… sucks._

While putting tools away at the end of the day, I was absorbed in ensuring I put each tool back in the correct place to fully be aware of what was going on around me. To my horror, when I turned around, I walked right into her. The impact nearly knocked her over, so I reached out to try and catch her, only to accidentally brush her left breast with my hand. “Sorry,” I quickly stated, pulling away and backing up. Which then caused me to hit the workbench behind me and knock her bag of tools off, sending the instruments in all directions. “It’s fine,” she said, not looking at me, moving forward towards the toppled bag. “Here, let me help.” I leaned down to help gather the strewn tools at the same time she did, our heads knocking into one another. I felt so bad; she reached up and rubbed the top of her head, grabbing a wrench with her other hand. “It’s fine, I can handle it.” She mumbled, grabbing more of the tools and throwing them back in the bag. I wanted to help her but was afraid of making it worse than I already had, so not knowing what to do next, I simply stood, told her I’d leave her to it along with a quick apology and left. _That never happens. Why was I unaware that she was behind me? And then I accidentally touched her chest… oh stars, she is not going to want to talk to me again. And I don’t see her again until after the weekend._ My mind was whirling as I rushed back to my temporary quarters, trying to analyze how that went so wrong and so quickly. _So much for making a friend._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for the kudos! I hope you are enjoying it so far. Apologies for the short-ish chapters, but I'm trying to update frequently.


	5. Why Are Weekends So Difficult?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reader and Matt have an try to have a nice weekend together, but that doesn't work out.

\--- Reader’s POV---

After I put all my tools away, I stood there for a moment, trying to process what happened. _Okay, so he walked into you. It happens. Just leave it alone. He’s awkward, you know this. He felt really bad, it was obvious. I mean, yeah it was uncomfortable when he accidentally touched my boob, but it was just an accident. His face proved that. And he looked so adorable the way he got all flustered because of it. No, stop that, he’s your coworker. Do your damn job._ I looked down onto the workbench and saw a datapad sitting there. Upon closer inspection, it was Matt’s. _Oh kriff. He’ll get reprimanded if Ullridge finds out he left this out in the open like that._ I grabbed the datapad and tucked it under my arm with my own, trying to figure out what to do with it. _You could just give it back on Monday. No, what if he comes back looking for it? Then he’s going to freak out because it’s not there. Maybe… maybe I can look him up in the directory and find his room and bring it to him. Or will that make me look like a stalker? Stars, why does this have to be so difficult…_ I was not even aware that I was audibly groaning until I noticed the strange stares from other workers passing by me in the hall. _Great. Yep, just ignore the weird technician. Sorry folks, be glad I’m with panels all day and not the general populace._

When I got back to my quarters, I took a deep breath and then decided I would look up his room and bring him his datapad. I thought it would be the polite thing to do, and then I could also tell him I wasn’t angry at him for almost knocking me over. Seemed logical enough. I took out my own datapad, and after a quick search through the directory I found his quarters. Block G, room 56. _Huh, that’s not far away from my room, just a block over. Shouldn’t take long to find him at all._ Changing into my leisure clothes, which consisted of a black shirt and loose black pants, I grabbed Matt’s datapad and began my quest to find him. _Will he be happy to have it back? Relieved?_ My mind kept wandering, and I was chewing my bottom lip as I went, completely lost in the “what ifs” of the upcoming interaction. It was silly, but this was miles out of my comfort zone. Exiting Block F, I turned the corridor towards Block G. Reminding myself several more times of his room number, I went ahead and tried to shove down my nagging anxiety. _It’s Matt, it’s fine._

Standing in front of the blast door, I hesitated. I checked the number on the wall multiple times against my datapad, making sure it was right. And then I reached out a hand and knocked tentatively. _No answer. Maybe I didn’t knock hard enough._ I knocked again, this time a little harder. I waited a moment, and then once again checked the number on the wall. _56, yes, this it. Maybe he isn’t there? I mean, he probably is though. Right?_ “Hey, um, Matt, if you’re in there, you left your datapad back in the supply area, so I just figured I’d bring it to you.” I felt like an idiot talking to the blast door; he probably wasn’t even in there. Then I heard a muffled “One minute” and my heart nearly jumped out my throat. _Okay, I know it’s been a long time since you talked to someone outside of work, but just… be cool. It’s Matt, remember? It’s fine._

\--- Kylo’s POV, from the beginning of the chapter---

When I got to my quarters, I immediately locked myself inside and stared blankly at the wall for a few minutes. _I touched her boob. Does she think I did it intentionally? Oh, I hope not._ I started pacing, unsure what to do with myself. Pulling off the glasses and wig, I threw them onto the desk and kept pacing, mind immediately going to the worst possible scenarios. _She won’t talk to me. She won’t train me anymore. She’ll talk to Ullridge and get me reprimanded for harassment._ I sighed and threw myself on the bed, bringing my knees to my chest, wrapping up in the blanket and just wishing I could disappear. And then, an idea hit me. _I just won’t go back. It’s not a problem. I can just equate this to a failed attempt at socializing. Yeah, that’ll be fine._ And then I got angry at myself for considering giving up. I wasn’t a quitter, and here I was contemplating it. I was frustrated, scared and completely unsure what to do next. And then I heard a knock on the door. _Who in the kriff is at my door?_ I paused, feeling the aura of the person outside. _Oh. Oh no. It’s her._ I was completely frozen, still wrapped up in my blanket when I heard her knock again, this time harder. _What do I do? Maybe I should answer it._ I started to walk over to the door and then stopped in my tracks, realizing I was sans wig and glasses. That would have been really hard to explain. I heard her voice through the door: “Hey, um, Matt, if you’re in there, you left your datapad back in the supply area, so I just figured I’d bring it to you.” I was trying to fix the wig back on my head in the refresher mirror, but I needed to buy some time so I could get it right. “One minute,” I said, righting the wig and making sure no stray black strands were poking out from under it. Situating my glasses on my face, I went over to the blast door and opened it. There she was, staring up at me, holding my datapad in one hand. “I didn’t want you to get in trouble for leaving this out, so I took it. But I was afraid you might come back for it and worry if it wasn’t there, so I decided to bring it to you. I hope you don’t mind, I’m sorry if I’m bothering you,” she said, worrying her bottom lip after she finished speaking, eyes down, fingers fidgeting on the edge of the datapad. “No, you aren’t bothering me, thank you for bringing it back. I was not really thinking right, so I didn’t even realize I left it.” I took the datapad from her and we both kind of stood there for a moment, not sure what to do. “Look, about earlier,” she started, and my heart felt like it was going to stop, “I’m sorry I was kind of pissy. I know it was an accident, so don’t worry about it. It was just the lack of sleep getting the better of my mood.” I had no idea how to respond, so I just stood there for a moment, not saying anything while trying to get words to come out of my mouth. “Alright then, I’ll see you on Monday I guess,” she said, starting to walk away when I just blurted out, “Would you like to come in?” I had no idea why that was what came out of my mouth, but it did. She stopped, thought for a moment, then looked at me and said, “Sure.” The combination of my words and her acceptance of those words nearly sent me into an anxiety attack, but there was no turning back now.

I stepped aside and she walked in, and I could feel her aura growing tighter; she was extremely nervous. I pulled out the chair at the desk and she took a seat, and I sat on the bed. It felt like an eternity before she finally spoke. “So, are you finally settled in?” She said, trying to offer a smile. “Yeah, I think so.” I said, meeting her gaze for a moment before looking away. “Have you been to the Rec Center yet?” she asked, and I paused. In the entirety of my time of the _Finalizer,_ I had never once been to the Rec Center. In fact, I didn’t even actually know where it was. “No,” I responded, and she hesitated before finally blurting out, “Would you like to go tomorrow? I can show you around the ship, maybe hit up a few shops… If you want to, I mean, no pressure. At all. It’s cool if you say no, I mean it’s a lot to take in, just getting a new position, moving onto a Star Destroyer, I get it.” Her words tumbled out, nearly running into one another, her anxiety cascading off like a torrent. “I would like that,” I said, and she froze. “Really?” she said, almost in disbelief, “Okay, cool. Um, 1600? Maybe get a bite to eat, too. But not at the cafeteria. I never eat there on the weekends.” I knew that there were other food options on this ship, but I had never sought them out, as I always had my food delivered to my room. Reflecting back on this, I realized just how isolated I had been all this time, and it made me melancholy. “Okay, meet me here then?” I suggested, and she nodded. “Yeah, that sounds good. Okay, I guess I’ll leave you be for the night. See you tomorrow.” “Uh, okay. See you then,” I said, and she waved and left my room, the blast door closing behind her. I flopped back on my bed and stared at the ceiling, trying to process what happened. _Does she like me? Is that why she asked me to the Rec Center? I could always just read her mind and find out, but what if I found out she does? No, bad idea. Don’t go poking around for that answer. We’re just hanging out as friends, she is trying to be nice and get you acquainted with the ship. It’s Y/N, it’s fine._

Back in my actual quarters later that night, I found that I couldn’t sleep. My mind would not turn off, no matter how much I tried. It was frustrating. I got up, paced around for a while, and then decided to meditate. Usually I could clear my mind fairly easily, but tonight, that was not the case. Instead, I just kept thinking of her, how her eyes lit up when I said I would go with her, how she seems to stumble over her words if she has to say more than a few things to me. And then, the most horrifying thing occurred to me. _What am I going to talk about with her tomorrow?_ I stared at the wall, fear gripping me. _She asked me before what I did for fun. I don’t really have fun. Or hobbies. Or anything outside training. What do people do for fun, anyway?_ I thought back to my childhood, trying to find anything remotely close to “fun” that I used to participate in. Hide and seek was not exactly something you could do as an adult. And then it came to me. _Hologames. Holochess, Dejarik. I used to play those all the time when I was young. Surely, they have something like that in the Rec Center?_ This made me feel a little better, but thinking of playing those games as a child brought back some very unpleasant memories. Stuffing them back down, I went back to meditating with less success than last time. I doubted I’d be sleeping tonight.

The next day, I had to get myself back in the “Matt” frame of mind, as well as head back to the less pleasant quarters. I was nervous; entirely too much so. It had been entirely too long since I had attempted to go out on any sort of social endeavor with anyone. _Not since I was a teenager. And even then, it was not entirely alone; there was always someone tagging along watching to make sure I was safe._ I sighed, trying to think of something; anything that would calm me down. Nothing was really working. 1550. _Ten minutes, and Y/N is going to be knocking on the door, ready to go, and here I am unable to even stop my palms from sweating._ _Great. Socializing shouldn’t be this hard._ I heard the soft knock and nearly jumped off my bed, heart thumping wildly. I went to the door and opened it, and there she was, plain black pants and a dark grey shirt, a slight smile on her face. “Ready?” she asked, and I nodded. “You okay? You look tired. Can I return the favor and buy you a caf?” she said, and I looked down at her. “Uh, yeah, sure. If you want. But I’m fine. Really.” I responded, trying to feign wellness. She simply scowled and waved me off. “Hey, um, Y/N…” I started, and she looked at me in acknowledgement, “Do they have hologames in the Rec Center?” “Of course they do! Holochess, holodarts, Dejarik, you name it. You like hologames?” she responded, and I nodded. “I haven’t played in a while, but would like to again.” “Sure! I personally prefer holochess, but we can play whatever you’d like. You hungry?” she asked, smiling at me. “No, not yet.” “Cool, neither am I. Games first, food later. Sound good?” she asked cheerily, and I nodded in response. _Okay, so far so good._

Walking into the Rec Center, it was overwhelming. People were everywhere; most games had a queue of people waiting. We stopped in the entrance, stared blankly for a minute and both seemed unsure. “Let’s go towards the back; maybe it’s not as crowded.” She said with positivity, and I followed her in the room. The crowd did not die down; instead, it worsened the farther in we went. I was starting to feel claustrophobic; I looked down at her and she also looked uneasy. “It’s really crowded in here,” I stated, and she nodded. “Food, then maybe come back?” she replied, and I told her that was fine. Upon leaving the packed room, I felt worlds better. Being in that crowded room, it was hard to block out all the chatter of people’s thoughts; people’s angry thoughts about losing, people gleeful about winning, people thinking about lovers and friends. It was entirely too loud. The halls were much quieter, as staffing was reduced on the weekends just as it was at night. “You sure you’re alright?” she asked, pulling me back to the present. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just a lot to take in, is all. This is a huge ship.” I responded, and she smiled. “You’ll get used to it. Might take a while before you know where everything is, but it will happen, I promise.”

\--- Reader’s POV---

Walking towards the restaurant district, the crowds immediately appeared again. I hated crowds with a passion; looking at Matt I could tell he also had a distaste for them. “Well this kinda sucks. You want to try and find a place to eat, or just say to hell with it?” I said, and he looked at me sheepishly. “I’m not a fan of crowds,” he responded, and I was relieved. “Good, me either. Wanna go back to my room and play cards? I don’t know about you, but I play some wicked good poker.” I flashed a smile, and he told me that sounded much better. We walked in silence, and I felt nervous. I had never had a guy in my room before, so this would be a new thing. _He’s just a friend, be cool. It’s fine._ Entering the code on my door, I showed him in. “Wow, your room is bigger,” he stated, looking around. “Yeah, I got lucky and got an upgrade after a year and a half. It’s nice having a table and sitting area!” I said cheerily, pulling out a deck of cards. We sat at the table, agreed on Planetary Poker, and I dealt the first hand. The game went fast, and he seemed to be very adept at keeping his tells hidden. I was impressed. “Play poker often?” I asked, and he shook his head. “It’s been a bit. You do pretty well yourself, but your eyes give it away.” He said, shuffling the cards. “Oh? Do tell,” I asked, being a bit cheeky. “Your eyes seem to light up a bit when you get a good card, or dull when you get a bad one. Just a little tell you have.” “Well damn, I’ll work on that.”

We played two more games, him winning both, and then we ran out of things to say to one another. It was an awkward few minutes, we both were looking anywhere in the room but at each other. At nearly the same time, we both started to speak. I let him go first, and he decided it was time for him to go, and I wished him a good rest of his weekend. “Get some sleep, see you Monday, Matt.” I said, showing him out the door. “See you then,” he responded, eyes not meeting mine, hurrying off down the corridor. I watched him go and shut my blast door, locking it. I sat down at my table, looking over where he had been. _Did he have fun? I hope he did, this weekend was not the best. I just wish I was better at socializing. Do they make books for that?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading! I know that the actual Star Wars week is 5 days, but for readability purposes, I kept it to our normal week. Sorry for the canon divergence.


	6. Anxiety Should be a Four Letter Word

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Unexpected missions leads to dear reader-chan having an anxiety melt-down... (Lots of anxiety in this chapter, sorry fam, I write from personal experience with an anxiety disorder, so I apologize if any of this is triggering).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for being patient. Semester is wrapping up and my life has been really crazy right now. I hope to have updates more frequently once I get my life to calm down. Enjoy!

(Kylo’s POV)

               My holopad beeped, and I was immediately annoyed. It was 0347, and I was fast asleep. Picking up the datapad, I saw it was from Hux. _What the kriff does he want at this ungodly hour?_ I read the message and became even more pissed off than I already was. “Meeting on the bridge in 10 minutes. Urgent, rebels have attacked one of our outposts on Vodran. Details at the meeting.” I was enjoying my sleep, and was looking forward to Monday. But clearly, that was not going to happen. I pulled myself out of bed, brought the lights up to 30% and dressed quickly, snagging my helmet and placing it firmly on my head before leaving my quarters. I didn’t see why this matter needed my attention; Phasma was more than capable and could easily dispatch several squadrons to the area to recover whatever damage occurred. I stormed through the halls, growing more agitated with each step. Entering the bridge, I saw the red-head standing there, staring out the window to space. “Ah, excellent for you to arrive so promptly, Ren.” He stated, walking towards me. I had no intention of replying to him. Instead, I remembered what Y/N had said… _‘It’d be so fun to mock people to their face without anyone being the wiser.’ Yes, it actually might be quite fun._ As Hux droned on about the attack on Vodran’s weapons storage facility, I mocked him back, imitating his pinched face and rolling my eyes at him. Surprisingly, it actually made me feel better about the whole situation. “Lord Commander, are you listening to me?” Hux spat, and I smirked. “Are you questioning me, General?” I really wasn’t listening to him, but that was neither here nor there, as I was not about to let him try and scold me. “As I was saying, you are to go to Vodran and interrogate the rebel we captured. We have reason to believe there is a spy amidst our troops on Vodran, and I suspect another attack may be imminent. Arrangements have been made for you to depart immediately.” Hux stated, looking smug. I nodded and walked off, heading to the main hanger. I really was not looking forward to this, but the faster I finished the interrogation, the quicker I could get back to my other life. It was fun to have this little secret; an entirely different persona that could blend in effortlessly in any situation, it was something I had never had before. I liked it very much.

               Boarding the shuttle, I sat back against the seat and let my head rest against the wall, trying to imagine if my life would have been different. _What if I really was just Matt from Atollon? No important parents, no Force powers, no special treatment. Just a normal person. What would that even be like, to be normal? That sounds like the best life ever._ I drifted off into a dreamless sleep, only stirring once the shuttle came out of hyperspace and approached Vodran. Whoever this spy was will quickly regret pulling me away from the little solace I had finally found in my life.

\---- Reader’s POV----

               Monday morning rolled around, and I was super anxious. I knew I would be training Matt today, but I had no idea what he was going to say, or worse, what I was going to say to him. I really hoped he liked hanging out with me, but fear was gnawing at my belly, telling me he probably hated spending time with me. My only hope was that I didn’t entirely fail with my attempts to be social, and that we could still be on good terms. Walking into the supply area, something felt amiss. Scanning the room, there was no tall blonde anywhere in sight. _It’s okay, maybe he’s just running a bit behind, you’re always early for your shift, relax._ And then, Ullridge walked over, datapad in hand. “Matt won’t be with you today, he’s out for personal reasons. Continue on with your usual duties.” I felt like a ton of durasteel had been dropped on my head; and of course, my anxiety went full force, thoughts racing in so many different directions I just wished I could curl up and hide under a workbench. The worst feelings of rejection and self-doubt swirled about me; perhaps he had a terrible time with me and was too embarrassed to show up and work with me after. I gathered my tools and felt like everything around me was suddenly too close, so I hurried off to my assigned job area. Scooting into the small maintenance access tunnel, I sat there for what seemed like hours, staring at the panel in front of me, making no move to fix anything as my mind kept dragging me farther into the depths of crushing anxiety. This was going to be a long day.

               When I got back to my quarters that night, I locked myself inside and curled up under my blankets, just wanting to become invisible. _Stupid. I shouldn’t have tried so hard. Should I apologize if I see him again? Or should I just say nothing?_ Having anxiety is a real bummer. Eventually, I couldn’t even make out some of the thoughts there were so many, and I drifted off into a fitful sleep. I woke in the middle of the night, panicking from a nightmare. 0318, great. I was wide awake and unable to go back to sleep, crushing anxiety taking hold again. Instead of trying to go back to sleep, I went out into the halls, bleary eyed and paranoid, but needing solace. There was a little used observation deck on one of the upper floors, and I loved going there when I was feeling like this. Seeing the black expanse of space helped me in some way, like I could just let my anxiety float away. Standing in front of the viewing panel, trying to emulate the feeling of the stars; distant. Anywhere but here was the goal; anywhere I could forget about everything. After feeling a bit better, I headed back to my room. My shift was just in a few hours, but there was no way I could go back to sleep. _Gonna need caf before work._

               Another shift and no Matt. Part of me was a little worried at this point; was he sick? Or did he get transferred away? I had heard of people who didn’t really “fit” with their coworkers either getting reassigned or worse, sent to reconditioning. I really hoped that he was okay, and I’d get to see him again. It was silly, as I really didn’t know him well, but I really wanted to be close to him. Maybe I saw a lot of myself in him, and knew how lonely I was. I went back to the observation deck that night, and I was able to calm myself again. After staring out at space until I felt content again, I decided to head back to my quarters and maybe do some light reading. Turning a corner, I halted immediately. Lord Commander Kylo Ren, in all his black robed glory, was walking on the other side of the hall. I quickly saluted him, and his helmet turned toward me, and then he gave me a nod and continued on. I went back to my quarters, and for once in my life, I didn’t feel like an insignificant speck; Kylo Ren had nodded to me in acknowledgement. I was rarely acknowledged by anyone, but Kylo Ren? That was something else. As silly as it was, I actually felt like I could do just about anything after a single nod. It was nice.

               The next morning, I walked into the supply room and saw a tall fluff of blonde towards the back, and I couldn’t stifle a smile. “Morning,” I said, trying to just act normal around him. “Oh, good morning. I’m sorry I was out for a couple days, I wasn’t feeling well. I probably should have sent you a message…” he started, and then trailed off as I waved a hand. “No worries. Just glad you’re feeling better.” I responded, and then it hit me again. _What if he’s just saying this as a cover?_ The anxiety started creeping back up again, but I was pulled back to the present by his voice. “Hey, so… umm, we should try and go to the Rec Center again sometime. If you want. Holochess would be fun. Or any other game.” He scuffed his foot on the ground a bit, and I could tell he was very nervous. “I’d like that, Matt. I bet it’s not as crowded on weekdays.” I responded, and he timidly looked up. “Would you like to try and go after work tonight?” “Sure, that sounds fun,” I said, grabbing a toolbag, “Ready to get out there?” He nodded and followed me out to our job ticket.

               Lunchtime came quickly, and I really wasn’t liking the idea of sitting in the main cafeteria with so many people. “Hey, um, I was just going to grab something quick and eat somewhere else. If you want to join you’re more than welcome, or you can eat here. Doesn’t matter to me.” I said, and he looked relieved as he said he wanted to go with me. “I’m not a fan of crowds,” he stated, and I told him I wasn’t either. Selecting a meal bar and a drink, I was beyond ready to get away from the crowded room. After he had his food, I motioned for him to follow me. I went back to that observation room, but instead went into an access panel, which took us up to a small catwalk above the room. I took a seat, feet dangling down, looking out towards the distant stars. “Wow, this place is great,” Matt said, sitting next to me. “I like to come here a lot, especially when I need to calm down. It helps.” I said, taking a bite of the meal bar. The texture was better than the other options, but it didn’t taste any better. “So, how was it while I was gone?” he asked, barely glancing at me before going back to his food. “Eh, it was work. But more boring, because I didn’t have anyone with me. Oh, but something kinda cool happened last night.” I said, remembering Kylo Ren nodding at me. “Oh, what was it?” he asked, perking up and pushing his glasses back up his nose. “So, I was going back to my room from here, actually, and I turned a corner and saw Kylo Ren. When I saluted him, he actually nodded at me! I think that was one of the best moments of my life; I actually felt like I wasn’t invisible. I know that probably sounds stupid.” I said, getting self-conscious again. “No it doesn’t,” he said, looking at me sincerely, “If Kylo Ren nodded at me, I would probably feel like I could do anything. And… I don’t think you’re invisible.” He went back to his food, and I could tell he genuinely wanted me to feel better. “Thanks, Matt.” _I needed to hear that right now._

After our shift, we decided we would just meet at the Rec Center in an hour. I thought about what he had said as I walked back to my room: _I don’t think you’re invisible._ It made me feel a lot better, as I had always felt l might as well have been a rock. At least I could blend in better if I was a rock. Grabbing my black sweats and a grey First Order shirt, I tried to fix my hair a little bit before going out. After messing with it to no avail, I decided I would just go with it and head to the Rec Center. Walking down the long hall towards the Center, I saw Matt standing by the wall, looking down at the floor. “Hiya Matt,” I said, and he looked up timidly. “Hi,” he responded, pushing his glasses up. “C’mon,” I said, back in one of my bubbly, goofy moods. _Kylo Ren nodded at me. I can do anything._ I saw an open holochess table and darted over to it, hopping into one of the chairs. “Let’s see what you got,” I teased, and he sat down, a smirk tugging at his mouth. “It’s been a while for me, so I’m not sure how good I’ll be.” He said, waiting as I set up the game. “Black or white?” I asked, and he nearly immediately responded black. After the board was set, I took the first move. I normally was pretty good at holochess; however, Matt was amazing. He had me beaten in less than ten moves twice, and I felt like an idiot. “Damn, you’re really good at this,” I said, wondering if he played more often than he said. “Thanks. Wanna try something else?” he offered, and I nodded. Holodarts was the next stop, but no matter what we played, he was always excellent at it. “You’re really good. Are you sure you don’t play more often?” I teased, and he shook his head. “It really has been a bit since I’ve played. You’re not bad, either.” He offered, and I waved him off. “I thought I was good, but you’ve schooled me tonight. I’ll have to practice more.” I said, shooting him a smile. He smiled back, but then retreated to his shy self and looked at the floor. After having an awkward minute where we said nothing, I decided to call it a night. “It’s pretty late, so I’m going to head out. But I’ll see you in the morning,” I said, hopeful smile. “Yeah, this was really fun. We should do this again some time. I’ll see you tomorrow,” he said, nodding. As we walked out, we realized we were heading the same way, and I wasn’t sure what to say to him, since I had already basically said goodbye. I could tell he felt the same way; hands in his pockets and head down. “Lunch on the catwalk again tomorrow?” I finally asked, not sure what else to say. “Yeah, that would be great. I wouldn’t mind lunch there every day. It’s peaceful.” He said, and then once again the silence returned. “Hey, umm… Would you teach me how to play chess like that?” I asked, and his face lit up. “Really? I would love to teach you.” He said, and I was happy. “Cool,” I said, and then we were at his block. “So, I’ll see you tomorrow,” he said, pausing to perhaps say something else. Instead, he looked flustered and hurried off down the corridor. “See you then,” I said, heading my own way.


	7. The Awkward is Strong with These Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo has some serious inner conflict about his feelings, his masquerading as Matt, and the reader. Reader has bad coping mechanisms and gets drunk to try and deal with her stress. Awkwardness? You bet.

(Kylo’s POV)

               Walking back into my small room, I pulled off my wig and sat down on the bed, heart thudding against my ribs. This past 24 hours had been great but overwhelming all at the same time. My mind wouldn’t quiet, running through the events over and over again. First, her excitement about Kylo Ren nodding at her. _That made her whole day; I could tell. If only she knew I am him. No, no, that’s a bad idea. But really, what would she think? I don’t think she’d be afraid. She seems to think Kylo is cool. No, stop that._ Then, a productive day topped off with games and social activities. _She thinks I’m good at games. But she was disappointed with herself for losing so much. Maybe I should have let her win? No, failure is a good learning tool. After all, she now wants me to teach her to play chess. Yes, her losing was a good thing. Should I have said anything else to her? What would I have said? And why do I keep getting so kriffing jittery around her?_ I groaned and laid back on the mattress, staring at the durasteel ceiling. _Being friends is hard._

               The next day, Y/N was as chipper as ever, waiting for me in the supply area. “Morning! Our assignments are pretty easy today, and I don’t think they’ll be much trouble. I’m going to let you try and do everything today. Think you can handle it?” she asked, eyes bright. “Yeah, I think I can manage.” I responded, grabbing a tool kit. “Great, I know you can do it!” she said, giving me a big smile of confidence. For some reason, I felt just as awkward as when I first met her, and my heart started to speed up. _Anxiety be damned, I don’t need this shit right now._ We headed out to our first job ticket, and it didn’t go as smoothly as I’d hoped, but I did it myself nonetheless. She seemed very proud of me, and it felt nice to hear genuine praise. _It’s nice to hear I’m doing a good job for once instead of being told that I’m not good enough._ Being pulled back to the present, I heard her ask if I wanted to eat lunch on the catwalk of the observation room. “Of course, I really like it there. The cafeteria is just too… busy.” It’s not like I could tell her why I really hated the cafeteria; I mean sure, most people don’t like crowds, but most people don’t hear the chattering of everyone’s thoughts, either. I hold a special hatred to crowds for that very reason; everyone is just entirely too loud.

               As per usual, lunch was some undiscernible gruel with little flavor and a weird texture, but I ate it anyway. It was calming to be able to look out at the stars and just forget about everything else; I understood why she did it. Her mind wasn’t so chaotic today, and I could feel a genuinely happy emotion flowing off her. _This is nice._ It had been a long time since I felt this relaxed, and I couldn’t tell if it was due to me hiding from my actual responsibilities or from being around her. _Maybe it’s both._ But then, it hit me. _I can’t do this forever. What if I get stationed somewhere else? Or go for extended training with Snoke or the other Knights? What will I tell her? She wouldn’t understand. Maybe this was stupid. This isn’t going to last; it’s all false. False hope for what? Normalcy? I will never be normal._ “Matt?” I heard her say, and I turned to look at her. She looked at my hand and then back to my face, “Are you okay?” Unconsciously I had clenched my fists so tight my knuckles were white. I relaxed my hand and bright red half-moons were indented into my palms where my nails had dug into them. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just… have a lot on my mind.” “Okay. If you ever need to talk, just let me know, okay? I’ll be here to listen.” Hearing those words made me feel better and worse all at the same time, as there were so many things I wanted to get off my chest, but absolutely no way of doing so. She moved her hand closer to mine, hovering just by my own. _Does she want to touch me?_ Unsure what to do next, I gave her a quick pat on the shoulder and stood to leave. “We should probably get back,” I added, not looking back at her. “Yeah, we should,” she called, uniform rustling as she got to her feet. Her whole demeanor changed, and I could no longer feel that happy emotion. _What did I do wrong? She seemed like she wanted contact, was that not it? I’ve seen Phasma and Hux pat people’s shoulders when they want to commend them, should I have told her I appreciated her offer as well?_ I internally groaned at the thought of trying to determine how I messed up without just asking her. _Socializing is hard._

(Reader’s POV)

               _Well, kriff my life, I think I just got friendzoned._ I continued on at work, letting him do most of the tasks with minimal assistance, but I couldn’t help but be gloomy. I had gotten my hopes up, despite my better judgement, and just got denied. _A pat on the shoulder. Maybe I tried too hard. I feel like a kriffing idiot for thinking I would have a shot at someone like him._ A small “ouch” followed by cussing brought me back to the present, and I realized he had shocked himself. “Here, let me help,” I offered, coming closer, only to be denied again. “No, I got it.” He snapped, and I just returned to my seat on the floor. _Well okay then._ _And here I thought yesterday went splendidly. As per usual, my shitty luck rears its ugly head._ I sighed heavily and looked at my datapad for the time. It wouldn’t be long now, and I could go hide in my room for the rest of the evening and try and forget about everything that had happened.

               The rest of the shift was eerily quiet, as neither of us really had anything to say, but the tension was so thick it was palpable. That awkward silence was more painful than the first time I got electrocuted. Putting my tools away, I tried my best not to look at him. Maybe I was afraid his eyes would confirm his lack of interest. “See you tomorrow,” I muttered as I headed for the door, not even giving him a chance to respond. As I headed back to my room, the anxiety was tearing through me like a tidal wave; thoughts running in a thousand directions with no clear path. I could feel a headache starting to set in, and as soon as I got in the room I turned off all the lights and crawled into bed, somehow thinking the blanket would protect me from my own rambling thoughts. The memories of failed attempts at socializing, at making friends, at keeping friends, and at trying to keep a romantic interest pulled me farther into a black hole of self-loathing. _I’m such a stupid girl._

(Kylo’s POV)

               Trying to reflect on the events of the day, I could pinpoint exactly when the energy shifted. _The pat. I was trying to be nice, I guess it wasn’t appropriate? Maybe she didn’t want to be touched after all?_ I sighed and ran a hand through my hair. I thought it would be nice to be back in my actual room for the night, but I felt even worse as I stared at the dark grey walls. Snatching my helmet and storming out into the halls, there was only one way I could feel better. Igniting the saber, I let the anger and frustration wash over me, channeling it and focusing it into the wanton destruction I was causing as I carved a path through the halls. _Why doesn’t anyone understand me? And why can’t I understand them?_ Slash. _I just want to be normal._ Slash. _WHY CAN’T I BE NORMAL?!_ The wall in front of me was now covered in glowing red slashes and melted durasteel. Somehow, I still didn’t feel better. I turned off the blade and placed it back at my side, and then headed off to the one place that I figured could help me find my center again.

               Sitting on the catwalk and staring out at the black expanse of space, I tried my best to just let all my anger disappear out into the void. After what seemed like ages, I heard the blast door open beneath me. The small pattering of feet and gloomy aura was unmistakable. I pulled myself up and withdrew to the shadows, hoping she wouldn’t see me. She seemed quite oblivious to everything, standing in front of the window and staring straight ahead. She seemed almost peaceful until I heard a strangled sound come from her, and then she reached up and harshly wiped her face with the back of her hand. _She’s crying._ The emotions that started radiating off her were so strong it had an effect on me, making my anger subside and sadness instead replacing it. She stood in front of the window, silently crying after the initial sob, arms wrapped around herself. _She needs to be comforted._ The thought crossed my mind and I immediately recoiled from the idea; what had gotten into me lately? Something pulled deep inside my soul, a feeling I hadn’t felt in a very long time, one that scared me more than anything: vulnerability. I felt weak and I hated it. But at the same time, I felt empty and needed something. _I need her._ I pushed the thought away and felt terrified that the idea had even ghosted through my mind. _You’ll hurt her._ Her sobs drifted up again, and hearing her cry was making me feel overwhelming emotions I was not used to; powerless, ashamed, and a drive to be near her; to tell her it would be okay. As I struggled with my emotions, she wiped her face one last time and then left the room, bleary eyed and defeated. I felt useless, simply watching her leave. I knew I had a decision to make, and soon.

              The next morning, her mood was little improved, and instead was mingled with anger. “Good morning, Y/N. Look, if I made you upset yesterday…” I began, and her anger cascaded off like a torrent. “Oh, you didn’t make me upset. Don’t worry about it, Matt.” She retorted, quickly waving it off but her whole demeanor tight and closed off. Her thoughts were chaotic, but one stood out to me: “He friendzoned you, remember that.” That one simple thought was so shocking to me, and I was overwhelmed. _She likes me. But what does she mean, I friendzoned her? Oh no, the pat. She took that entirely wrong._ I wasn’t sure what to do next; how does one normally proceed with this type of situation? My mind reeled, and I felt sick to my stomach. “Uh, I’ll be right back.” I stated quickly as I hurried off to the closest refresher, the content of my breakfast coming back up in a hurry. I was trying to determine my own course of action; this was uncharted territory for me. _Do I like her? I mean, she’s nice, and she makes me laugh. And I feel calm around her. But, does that mean anything? What do I do now?_ Cleaning myself up and splashing cold water on my face, I tried to get a hold of myself as best as possible and then went back out to start my shift. _Get ahold of yourself._

               The entirety of the shift, I was terrified. We spoke very little, and I could tell she was agitated. I was unsure what to even say to her at this point; how do you tell someone you didn’t friendzone them, but are unsure what they mean to you? I assumed my mixed feelings were due to the fact that she was the first person to truly be nice to me in a long time, and that may have been clouding my judgement. Since being around her, I had felt more emotions and genuine happiness than I had had in at least a decade. I really didn’t want those feelings to slip away, but I had no idea how to convey my thoughts to her. While I was struggling with my next course of action, the shift was over. She hurried back, put her tools away and then left without a word. I could hear the thoughts of the other technicians, jeering at the event, and I was being drug into the angry void as well. Leaving the supply area, I went back to my small room. Taking the disguise off and throwing the wig across the room, I sat down on the bed and ran my fingers through my hair, trying to figure out what to do next. _This shouldn’t be this important, or bothering me this much. Why are her feelings so important to me?_ I had no clear answer to that question, and it was unnerving. Making a decision, I put my disguise back on and left the room, going to look for her. Letting my mind go blank, I reached out for her aura through the Force, and I found her in an entirely different area of the ship than she normally frequented. Continuing on towards her, I realized quickly where she was; one of the cantinas of the ship. Stepping into the lowly lit room, I saw her leaning on the bar, glass in hand nearly empty. “Hey,” I said, walking over to her. “What are you doing here?” she responded, words slurring. “Another,” she said, knocking the drink back quickly and sliding the glass to the bartender. “I think you’ve probably had enough,” I started, but she threw the new drink back like it was water. “And I think you don’t know me,” she retorted, staring down into the empty glass. _I deserved that._ “Can we talk? Preferably somewhere less noisy.” I asked, fully expecting her to shut me down, but instead she paid her tab and hopped off the bar stool. The next several minutes were a blur.

               I heard an indignant cry come from her, and I turned to look. “Listen here, you kriffing slimeball, touch my ass one more time and you won’t use that hand again.” She seethed, and a group of three TIE pilots jeered at her. “Oh, don’t be like that sweetie, I just think that’s the alcohol talking. How bout I take you back to my quarters and let you sleep it off?” the pilot in the middle responded, laughing as he emphasized the last part of his statement. She held up her middle finger quickly, turning away only to be caught by the arm by the pilot: “I wasn’t done talking to you.” “I think you were.” I said, and he stopped and looked at me, unimpressed. “And what are you going to do about it, wrench jockey?” he started, laughing. In an instant faster than he could register, I punched him in the face, sending him through a nearby table. The other pilots were shocked, helping their friend up. “Holy hell,” she breathed, stunned expression on her face. “You’re going to regret that,” the pilot growled, wiping the blood off his face. “C’mon!” she yelled, grabbing my arm and dragging me out of the bar, knocking over stools behind us to block their path. We ran through the halls, angry yells from the pilots chasing us. She pulled me down a small corridor and then opened an access door, shoving me inside and then closing it behind her. I could hear their shouts as they ran past, and then it got silent. She started giggling, and then I felt her hand on my arm. “That was amazing. I can’t believe you did that for me.” She leaned against me, and I felt tense immediately, but then relaxing as I felt the contentment radiating off her. “I’d do it again,” I said quietly, and she pulled back; I could tell she was trying to look at me in the dark. She wrapped her arms around me and gripped me tight; it was nice. “Let’s get you back to your room, so you can sleep this off.” I said, and she let me go and agreed. Her gait was unsteady, the alcohol clearly being absorbed more into her system. I wondered if she would even remember this tomorrow. Back in her room, I helped her take her shoes off and climb into bed, leaning over to pull the blanket over her frame. As I did, she leaned up and kissed me and then laid back down and pulled the blanket snugly around herself, “Thanks for everything, Matt.” “Get some sleep, Y/N.” I said, turning to leave, shutting the light off and locking her door behind me. I leaned against the outside of her door, my heart was beating loudly against my ribs, and I felt terrified. I felt in over my head, but I would not be a coward about this. _Tomorrow, I tell her everything, and let it sort itself out from there._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew! I know this one took me a little bit, but I hope it was worth it! Thank you all for reading so far, and I hope you enjoy!


	8. Hangovers and Social Hand Grenades

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matt decides the Reader needs to know the truth... however, the Reader is still trying to grasp her actions from the night before. Bonus: the end of the chapter gives some awesome perspective from Kylo's POV.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for being so patient with me! I apologize for the lengthy delay in updating; life happens. This one took me quite a while to plan out as well, but I hope the wait was worth it! Thank you all again for the comments and kudos.

Reader POV

               I awoke to the blaring of my alarm splitting my skull in half with the obnoxious noise. I wanted badly to throw the kriffing piece of equipment across the room, but I knew I’d have to cough up credits to replace it if it were damaged or broken. Swinging my feet over the edge of the bed, I tried my best to let the cold bite of the floor distract me from the pounding headache I was now sporting. The room was spinning, but I knew I needed to get my shit together and prepare for my shift, as a no-show would land me in a disciplinary meeting with Ullridge. _Great decision, Y/N. Drinking during the week, and not just casually, but enough to knock out a bantha._ Slowly dragging myself into the refresher, I tried my best to wake myself up and hide the fact that I looked like I had lost a fight with a Dug. Exiting my room, the overhead lights in the hallway made me nearly vomit from the increasing pain in my head. As I walked through the halls towards the supply area, I froze in my tracks. _Oh stars, you are a dumbass!_ Several moments were stuck in my head on a loop; Matt punching a TIE pilot, me hugging him in a dark access corridor, and me kissing him. The last part really made me fry a circuit; here we have Matt, who I am convinced only likes me as a friend, and my drunken self decided it would be a great idea to kiss him. _What in the hell were you thinking? He was trying to help you and that was your answer? You’re going to be in deep shit for this. Harassment, reconditioning, reassignment… oh stars, what have I done._

               Pacing just outside the supply area with my mind reeling, my body tense from nerves and the throbbing headache that was now even worse from my anxiety, I couldn’t quite bring myself to go inside. I was terrified of what awaited me from my boss, my colleagues, and worst of all from Matt. _You tried too hard when you should have just let it go. For the love of all the Loth-cats in the universe, you should have just let it go you dumbass._ “Good morning.” The familiar voice made me jump so hard I almost fell over. I stared up at him, not entirely sure what to expect, but definitely not expecting what happened next. “Caf? I hope it has enough cream.” Matt said, holding out a piping cup towards me. _Holy shit, he remembered I take cream in my caf?_ My brain went into overload mode, and instead of accepting the cup, thanking him, or even speaking to him, I instead wandered off to the nearest refresher. Standing in front of the mirror for much longer than I should have, trying to plan out exactly how to apologize to him, it dawned on me that I left him standing in the hallway. With a cup of caf that he bought just for me. _Oh my gods._ Splashing water on my face and running back out towards the supply area, I was relieved that he was still waiting for me. “I… this… you….” I started, the words coming out in a jumbled and non-cohesive mess, and he simply put the cup in my hand and smiled at me while walking inside. I followed after him and tried my best to not start rambling. Getting our daily assignments and gathering up equipment, I started to say something and then realized we were in the presence of all our coworkers. “Thanks for the caf,” I squeaked, and he nodded. “I figured you might need it today,” he said rather cheekily, and the image of me kissing him flashed through my mind again and nearly made my heart stop. _Is he thinking about it? Is he upset? He surely doesn’t seem upset. But this could be a façade. Maybe he really is trying to be nice and you like a dumb bantha keep taking his niceness the wrong way… you are going to talk to him today, apologize, and get this mess sorted out._

               As we walked through the halls to our first job site, I couldn’t help but feel panicked. He seemed calmer than I had previously noticed, but that was making me even more paranoid. “Matt,” I finally began, looking over at him, “I wanted to apologize for last night. My behavior was unacceptable and I am so sorry if I made you uncomfortable.” “It’s okay, you didn’t make me uncomfortable,” he said quietly, looking away from me. “Matt, you can be honest. I don’t want you to think you have to put up with that type of stuff just because I’m training you. In fact, I think I’ll go report the incident to Ullridge today. I should have never done that.” I said, squashing any fear like a bug and just spitting it out. “Why would you go report it? We weren’t at work, and you were drunk. Plus, I really didn’t mind it,” he responded, voice getting quieter, “It was really shocking but I… sort of wanted that to happen.” _Wait. What? Does that mean he likes me? How in the kriff do I respond to this?_ Instead of responding, I went into a waking coma for the next two hours, not even brave enough to really look at him. Neither of us said anything, just occasionally glancing over at one another and then looking away quickly with heated cheeks. It was as if neither of us really knew what to say next, now that we were at this strange precipice of “yes, I kind of like you” land. Oh, if only words weren’t so damned hard.

(Kylo’s POV)

               After the words tumbled out of my mouth, there was no taking them back. I internally cursed myself but at the same time felt so relieved and happy to finally accept my feelings. After they were out, however, I don’t think she knew how to process this new information, and I most certainly didn’t know what to say next. The silence continued until lunch, in which we were forced to talk to one another in small chit chat about the poor quality of the food and how the observation catwalk was the best place to eat. Sitting on the catwalk beside her, I looked over at her to try and read her a bit better. She was timid, a ball of nerves, and simply looking down at her food. “Hey, I hope I didn’t make you upset. If you don’t… reciprocate that, I understand.” I began, and she quickly looked up at me, eyes wide. “Oh, no! I’m sorry if I came off that way, it was just a lot to grasp. No… I would totally reciprocate those feelings, I just… thought that you didn’t like me that way. Until now, that is. But then it was super overwhelming, so I just got quiet. I’m sorry.” She said, words running together as she rapidly voiced her feelings, followed by her shoving a bit of bread in her mouth almost as if to keep her from rambling further. I found those types of quirky behaviors rather endearing, even if I would never admit it. _I don’t even like admitting any of this to myself._ “I have something really important I want to tell you.” I began, and she looked at me, “But, I can’t tell you right now. Will you meet me here tonight, at 2300?” “Sure,” she said, and I could tell her anxiety was getting worse. _You better follow through with this, and if it goes wrong, you make her forget everything._

               The rest of the shift was full of us being jumpy, too nervous with one another, and still struggling with the right words. I was glad when it was over, as we were both relieved to have some time alone with our thoughts. Part of me was terrified about talking to her later tonight, and the other part of me was angry that I had made it so late. The waiting was going to be the hardest part, but at least it would give me time to plan what to say to her. _How are you going to tell her this? Oh hey, I figured you might should know that I’m Kylo Ren._ The biggest concern I had was that she wouldn’t believe me. And then I had the most brilliant idea. Despite my better judgement, I decided it was the best course of action and prepared myself for what was going to happen next, trying to run through every possible scenario and all the outcomes. Most ended very poorly, but I was hopeful that she would be the person who I had grown quite fond of over the past few weeks and do something entirely unexpected.

               Pacing back and forth in my room, I was struggling with exactly what I would say to her first. Or how I would say it. Or if she would even be receptive enough to hear me saying it. My mind reeled and I just wanted to get this over with so I could go back to the normalcy of her making jokes with me, playing holochess and just being happy again instead of this scared thing I had become. _You will go in there, you will talk to her, and you will stop being scared. She likes Kylo Ren, it’s obvious she looks up to him and admires him. Well, that’s you. So there is no way this could go wrong. Just stay calm and be yourself._ The self-talk did little to ease my anxiety, but I knew there was no turning back now as the clock read 2248. Grabbing my helmet from its stand, I headed for the door.

(Reader’s POV)

               Standing in front of the massive observation window, I couldn’t help but feel uneasy. _Why did he want to meet me so late? What is it that he has to tell me?_ The thoughts racing through my head were anything but good; all the maybes and what ifs of how this situation could play out in various unpleasant ways. As I paced back and forth in front of the window, lost in thought, I finally heard the blast door open. I looked up and smiled, only to be entirely taken back by the figure striding through the door. Heavy black boots, heavy black cape, heavy black _everything._ “Lord Commander!” I said quickly, bowing and moving off to the side as he approached the window. As I started to leave the room, the modulated voice followed after me: “Where are you going?” I stopped in my tracks and turned, eyes meeting the towering figure of Kylo Ren, his helmet cocked to one side as he stared back at me. “Forgive me, I was just leaving to give you privacy, Lord.” I said, trying my best not to let my voice crack. _Kylo Ren just talked to me. And I talked to him. No kriffing way._ “And why would you do that? I asked you to be here.” He responded, straightening up. “I just… I’m… sorry, my Lord?” I responded, not fully grasping what he just said. _He asked me to be here? What does that mean?_ “Come with me.” He said with a huff, and I obeyed without question. Following behind him in the halls, I most certainly felt like a mouse scurrying after a dragon. After going through several blast doors, we finally were in a part of the ship I had never seen before, and I felt my anxiety increasing. He waved a gloved hand and a door parted, opening up to a dark room that seemed more like a cave than anything else. He glanced back at me for a moment and then stepped inside. The strong self-preservation drive was telling me to run away, but I followed him in the dark room nonetheless.

               “Lights at 30 percent.” He commanded, and the room became more visible. Dark grey and black were the dominating colors, and then it dawned on me. _I’m in his room._ I was trying my damnedest to not go into a full-blown panic attack, but it was not working very well. The decorum was minimalist and dark; all the furniture was black. Staring at the black upholstered chair, trying to count the stitches to distract myself, I heard an unusual hissing noise. I looked up and was met by warm brown eyes, dark wavy hair and a smattering of all too familiar beauty marks. “Hi,” he said, brows furrowing unsurely, and I was entirely taken back. _That voice, those eyes…_ “You… Matt? I can’t… what?” I was so confused I was sure my brain had decided to stop working. “Sorry for the secrecy, I highly doubted you would believe me if I simply told you.” He said nonchalantly, and I felt as if I was going to pass out. “You should sit down,” he said, motioning to a chair. I nodded and sat down, and he sat down across from me, placing his helmet on the small table between us. He leaned forward, hands folded, lips parting as if he was going to speak and then closing again, a scowl forming. He leaned back and I could tell he was deep in thought, wringing his hands while staring down at his helmet blankly. I wanted to speak, but I was so overwhelmed words simply would not form. “You can’t tell anyone,” he said finally, looking up at me, “You’re the only one who has seen me like this.” That simple statement completely caught me off guard; why did he trust me enough to show me his true appearance? Gathering what little courage I had, I decided to speak. “Why become Matt?” I asked hesitantly, not sure if he would even tell me the answer. “I was hoping to socialize. My status often acts as a barrier to conversing with people. However, I learned quickly that I really didn’t have much to be social about. And then I met you, and you didn’t seem to mind that,” he said, looking to his right while wringing his hands more intensely, “I’m still Matt, you know. I was being genuine, as much as I could be. I don’t want you to be afraid of me.” “I’m not afraid of you. Especially not now. Overwhelmed, for sure. I’m taken back that you let me see you and share your thoughts with me; I’m not important or anything.” I responded, trying to figure out how I was deemed worthy enough to not only be in his presence but also be allowed to see his face. “You’re important to me,” he said, looking up at me, “You gave me a chance to be myself when nobody else did. I want you to know how much that means to me. And, I wanted you to know the truth, so if I have to leave, you’ll understand why. I don’t want you to think I’d leave on purpose.” I truly was at a loss for words; he was being so sincere and I felt completely unworthy of this type of interaction. “Sometimes, I wish I was just Matt. No abilities, no missions; just a normal person with a normal past and a normal future.” He whispered, looking down at the floor. “You’re normal to me,” I offered, hoping to make him feel better, “And you said it yourself; you are Matt. So, just be Matt if you want. It won’t change how I feel about you.”

(Kylo’s POV)

               I looked back up at her, words eluding me but feeling entirely at ease now that I knew she wasn’t afraid of me. It was an odd feeling; knowing that another being cared about my feelings and wellbeing. The foreignness was hard to grasp, but nonetheless I was going to persist with this interaction. “You can call me Kylo now, if you want. When no one else is around. Or Matt. I don’t mind either way.” I finally stated, trying to get off the subject of feelings and emotions and all the things I was so ill-equipped to deal with. She nodded in agreement, hands folded under her chin as she was thinking. As I watched her, I realized I would much rather have just this; quiet, with her, no First Order, no wars, no Force training, just _this_. I felt normal with her like this, no matter how vulnerable I was at this moment. _I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of being in pain. I’m tired of being tired._

               She started to speak again, but I told her to be quiet. “I just want to sit here like this, for a while.” I responded, and she nodded. I closed my eyes and tried to imagine how different my life would have been if I would have been Matt; just some unimportant kid from Atollon with simple parents and a simple life. Instead, I was born as Ben Solo, from Chandrila, flung from one end of the galaxy to the other due to the Rebellion, not ever really knowing what having a family was actually like. I never felt like I mattered, but at the same time I felt as if everyone thought I was some perfect thing that needed to be protected and safeguarded like a priceless artifact. It was frustrating. Then, after years of being ignored, I joined Snoke and tried my hardest to acknowledge my full potential. However, I still feel as if I’m some priceless artifact that has no feelings, only a purpose. _I’m just a weapon._ I don’t want to feel like a thing, I just want someone to understand me. _She wants to understand._ It has been nice to actually smile for once. 


End file.
